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Bad Analogies #1

Things that make you say "Hmm..."



The wheel of love had left its tread marks in his chest once too often, like a knobby mud tire on a monster truck, or like a really big ponce wheel, the kind that tailors use to punch little holes in patterns and that would leave lots of nasty little welts if you were to run it up and down your arm. (Peter Loughlin)

I saw her sitting at the bar. I approached. "Hello," she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dogsled. (Dan Yell)

Mitzi's wet T-shirt clung to her torso like paint on the nose cone of a jumbo jet. (James Macdonald)

Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something. (Bryan Semrow)

The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head with a bad sunburn, but then again it might just have been that Lisa was always cranky this early in the morning. (Debra Allen)

Jane was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that's been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown a away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there's always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast. (Beth Knutson)

As Fiona slowly drew the heavy velvet curtain aside, her eyes smoldered black, deep, and dark as inside the lungs of a coal miner, although it would be black in anyone's lungs if you could get in there because there wouldn't be any light, even in the pink ones of people who don't smoke. (Lou A. Waller)

Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D". (John Kammer)

We are all like those little pink and blue plastic people in the game of Life. (Meghann Olson)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.(Paul Kocak)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross)

Just like (or as) a bicycle rider lifts his butt from the seat when he sees a bump coming, so Bob pulled back, emotionally, when Alice got angry. (Jim Caughran)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland)

After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart)

The moon looked like a discarded toenail clipping submersed in a puddle of saliva on a black formica countertop. (Lindsay Robertson)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer)

She was sending me mixed signals like a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross)

She felt used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an Oreo cookie after someone has already licked the cream out of them. (Kristi Herd)

My underwear stuck to my backside like an All-Pro cornerback to a rookie wide receiver as I browsed through the seed catalog that had mistakenly found its way into my mailbox. (Ron Calabrese)