One Liners 8
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.
I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
We are all prawns in the game of life.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?" (thanks to Warren)
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.