Mitch HedbergWorld's Funniest Joke
Acronyms
Workers' Comp
Air Traffic Controllers
Andy Rooney
Bad Analogies
Bad Literature
Baseball Injuries
Business Facts
Lessons of Children
Children's Books
Chris Berman
Shortest Books
Daffynitions
Bumper Stickers
Jerry Coleman
College
Cute Jokes
Computer Tech Calls
Doctor's Reports
Giving Pets Pills
Dog Training
Points of View
Cat Memory
Dog Memory
Drunk?
Einstein Quotes
Elevator Fun
Etch-A-Sketch
Fired
Fray Pascual
Fried Rice Recipe
Funny or Not?
True Facts
Health Facts
Real Facts
NOT Real Facts
Strange Gifts
Gender Specific
Great To Be Alive
Guy Walks Into A Bar
Computer Haiku
Not Hallmark
Headlines
Henny Youngman
Homer Simpson
Huh?
Human Body Facts
In-flight Humor
Insanity Helpers
Insults
Math Lessons
Stories
Bad Resumes
Welfare Stories
Use these at your own peril
He's as sharp as a bowling ball. (thanks to Larry the K)
He's all hat, and no cattle. (thanks to Glenn Fenrick)
He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night! (thanks to Kellie McGuire)
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication! (thanks to Victor)
She's so ugly, the fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. (thanks to Steve Melanovich)
She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.
Does your face hurt, because it's killing me!
He's a couple of terrorists short of a Jihad. (thanks to Mike McGuire)
He's so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the sofa.
You're so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.
Her driveway doesn't go all the way to the road. (thanks to Dewey Baker)
Thinks he's a real wit. He's half right.
In a battle of wits she's unarmed.
The oven's on, but nothing's cooking.
He's a little too tall for his blood supply.
When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
He's a few clowns short of a circus.
She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
She's a few Cokes short of a six-pack.
He's a few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.
She's one taco short of a combination plate.
She's a few feathers short of a whole duck.
He's all foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
She's as smart as bait.
He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
He forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
I love you more today than tomorrow.
You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor put tinted windows on the incubator. (thanks to Imani)
He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
She's a prime candidate for natural deselection.
He's as bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
He's not running on all thrusters. (thanks to Tom Meyers)
He fell out of the family tree.
He's more confused than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so fat, his car's seat belts have stretch marks. (thanks to Charley)
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
He's a couple of bricks short of a hod.
He's a couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.
He's a couple of knights short of a Crusade.
He's a couplet short of a sonnet.
He's a few ears short of a bushel.
He's a few feet short of the runway.
He's a few links shy of a chain.
He's a few puppies short of a pet shop.
He's a few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.
He's got a room temperature IQ.
He's about a half a bubble off plumb.
He's all lime and salt, but no tequila.
He's an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
He was born during low tide in the gene pool.
He has both oars in the water, but they're on the same side of the boat!
He can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.
She's deaf, dumb, and blonde.
His deck has no face cards.
He is diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
She's eating with only one chopstick.
Her elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
He has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.
His jogging trail doesn't go all the way around the lake.
He left the store without all of his groceries.
He's missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in her silo.
He's not the quickest bunny in the forest.
She's one song short of a musical.
She's so ugly it looks like her face caught on fire and she tried to put it out with a screwdriver. (thanks to Joel)
Her slinky is kinked.
Some M and Ms are missing from her bowl.
He's strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
© 2008 compiled from many sources by Howard Daughters
Good YouTube Vids
Good Websites
Insurance Stories
Interview Fun
One Liners
Learn This!
Real Acronyms
Light Bulbs
Not A Kid Anymore
Wrong Lyrics
Experience
Mall Facts
Answering Machines
Men's Rules
American Barbecue
Men vs. Women
Never
The Odds
The Real Odds
Are You Old?
Oxymorons
Palindromes
Pickup Lines
How To Change Oil
Politically Correct
Pool Ball
Pregnant Men
Company Christmas Party
Proverbs
Puns
Yum! Quesadillas!
Famous Quotes
Rita Rudner
Science Fun
Yogi Berra
Signs
School Excuses
Snow Shoveler
Country Songs
State Mottos
Stir Fry Recipe
Telemarketers
Crisis Thoughts
Teen Poverty
Wal-Mart Fun
Sick Employees
What Women Say
What Women Want
Why?
The Woman's Code
Women Employees
Work Thoughts
Ralph Wiggum
Employee Handbook
Steven Wright
Funny2 Philosophy