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Quotes to Ponder
A collection of interesting quotes

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. - Groucho Marx

If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

In China, when you're one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. - Bill Gates

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. - Rabindranath Tagore

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor

Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby

We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin

You can always count on the United States to do the right thing, once it has exhausted the alternatives. - Winston Churchill

The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you. - Will Rogers

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool. - Edward Teller

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. - Mark Twain

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. - W. C. Fields (thanks to Larry the K)

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. - Milton Berle

I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. - Mae West (thanks to Larry the K)

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill

It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco. - Will Rogers

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times. - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't. - Robert Benchley

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - University of Kentucky Forward Winston Bennett (thanks to Bob Morse)

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. - Albert Einstein

If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking. - George S. Patton

I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Always drink upstream from the herd. - Will Rogers

I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. - Dan Quayle

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor (of Washington DC) Marion Barry

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut Up". - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. - George Carlin

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley

If you want to live like a Republican, vote for a Democrat. - Harry S. Truman

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience often comes from bad judgement. - Rita Brown

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away. - P. G. Wodehouse

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it. - Mark Twain

Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts" probably lost. - Martina Navratilova

Don't trust nobody but your momma. And even then, look at her real good! - Bo Diddley

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. - Phyllis Diller

Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - Harry S. Truman

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes, you'll know you're dead. - Tennessee Williams

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives - Sue Murphy

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. - Vlade Divac

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers. - Robert Orben

Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of the door. - Charleton Ogburn

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet every evening down at the bar. - Drew Carey

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish. - Charles Caleb Colton

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. - Thomas Edison

Sweat is the cologne of accomplishment. - Heywood Hale Brown

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan. - A. Whitney Brown

Only a mediocre person is always at his best. - W. Somerset Maugham

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. - Ogden Nash

In politics, sincerity is everything. Once you can fake that, you've got it made! - Groucho Marx

The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. - Henry Boye

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, but nobody thinks of complaining. - Jeff Raskin

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. - George Carlin

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat. - Jeff Foxworthy

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." - George Carlin

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? - Satchel Paige

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

Honest criticism is hard to take, especially when it comes from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. - Franklin P. Jones

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It's not much of a watchdog, but it's a vicious gossip. - Craig Shoemaker

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. - Woody Allen

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier. - Bill Gates

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! - George Carlin

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan

If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy. - Jennifer Lopez

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better. - George W. Bush

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Dan Quayle (thanks to Linda Meling)

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!' - Ashton Kutcher

Profanity is the adjective of the feeble minded. - Gordon Lane

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. - George Carlin

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

He who stops being better stops being good. - Oliver Cromwell

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy - Erica Jong

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. - Albert Einstein

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it! - Franklin Jones

Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry (thanks to Kay Young)

A hospital bed is a parked taxi, with the meter running. - Groucho Marx

I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell

A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. - Richard Nixon

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. - Richard Lewis

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton

Dog is God spelled backwards. That means something, I'm just not sure what exactly, but human is numah spelled backwards. - Marc-Christophe

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? - George Carlin

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does. - Conan O'Brien

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. - Ellen DeGeneres

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. - Caroline Rhea

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. - Martin Mull

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - Howard Aiken

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." - Rita Rudner

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx

I don't think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. - Janeane Garofalo

The word 'genius' isn't applcable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theismann (thanks to Bob Morse)

When will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. - Joan Rivers

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka

Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell

You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous

There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton

Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht

Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. - George Carlin

First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein

Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck - Elvis Presley

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen

If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. - Conan O'Brien

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. - Steve Martin

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Woody Allen

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. - Tom Clancy

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Dennis Miller

Scratch a dog, and you'll find a permanent job. - Franklin P. Jones

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - John Dryden

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! - Bill Maher

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick." - Tom Waits

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died - their lives will never be the same again. - Barbara Boxer, Senator

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then." - Margaret Smith

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." - Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

I think I am, therefore I am. I think. - George Carlin

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien

Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons... - Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know... Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." - Jay Leno

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. - Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Garry Shandling

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

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