Interesting Quotes #2
A nice collection.
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor (of Washington DC) Marion Barry
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut Up". - Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. - George Carlin
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain
Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley
If you want to live like a Republican, vote for a Democrat. - Harry S. Truman
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience often comes from bad judgement. - Rita Brown
An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away. - P. G. Wodehouse
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it. - Mark Twain
Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts" probably lost. - Martina Navratilova
Don't trust nobody but your momma. And even then, look at her real good! - Bo Diddley
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. - Phyllis Diller
Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - Harry S. Truman
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
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