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Interesting Quotes #2

A nice collection.



Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor (of Washington DC) Marion Barry

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut Up". - Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. - George Carlin

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley

If you want to live like a Republican, vote for a Democrat. - Harry S. Truman

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience often comes from bad judgement. - Rita Brown

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away. - P. G. Wodehouse

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it. - Mark Twain

Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts" probably lost. - Martina Navratilova

Don't trust nobody but your momma. And even then, look at her real good! - Bo Diddley

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. - Phyllis Diller

Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - Harry S. Truman

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut