Bad Resumes 3

Special Requests:

Desired Salary: $1.00 Per Year

I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

I want a boss of average height, not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to just about anything given time).

I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

If U hire me, U will not have any regrets.

I don't have a phone 4 the time being. Please email me instead.

I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer.

I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during working hours.


Skills and accomplishments:

Set record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.

I am the leader of a 6,000 member clan on World of Warcraft.

I make an excellent sandwich.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

Raised over $6,000 for an organization by sitting on a commode.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.

I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.

I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.

Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.