Actual Signs

At a barber shop: "Come in with one eyebrow, leave with two!" (thanks to Art at Mira Mesa Barber Shop)

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On an electrician's van: "We'll remove your shorts!" (thanks to Criss P. Baken)

In a veterinarian's office: "Back in 15 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On the door to a proctologist's office: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

At a tailor shop: We give our customers the lowest prices and workmanship.

At a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Please do not hunt during daylight" (thanks to Arm)

On a septic tank business: "We're #1 in the #2 business" (thanks to Scott)

At a photo studio: "Have your kids shot while you wait!" (thanks to John)

In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (thanks to John)

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"

In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"

In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"

In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"

In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

On a fixit-shop: We can fix anything! (Please knock loudly, doorbell broken) (thanks to A. Nonny Mus)

At a music store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

At a used car lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

In a department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.

In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car!

In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

n an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish

Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.

Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.

Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.