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A Guy Goes Into A Bar #5
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A photon walks into a hotel. The bellman says, "Can I help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "I don't have any. I'm travelling light!"
A fish walks into a bar and orders a scotch and water and tells the bartender to, "Hold the scotch, and bring it in a large bowl." (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)
A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work. (thanks to Sam Grittner)
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2." (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)
A homophobe, a rapist and a black guy walks into a bar. Everyone's like, "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?" (thanks to Pauly Peligroso)
A girl walks into a bar in the Castro section of San Fransico, wearing nothing but a smile, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender tells her, "you may want to cover up first." She gets huffy and says, "What's the matter, you don't approve of the City's clothing optional policy?" The bartender says, "No, I'm fine with it, its just that the guy before you was itching and scratching the whole time!"
An electrician walks into a bar all amped up and is shocked when the bartender refuses him regular service. (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?" (thanks to Quinton Parker)
A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
A pig walks into a bar, the bartender says "What'll it be?" The pig replies, "A pint of guinea's please." (thanks to TheAbeNaki)
A Rolex walks into a bar and buys drinks for eveybody. Pretty soon the place is rockin and the good times are flowing. The crowd starts a conga line and they pass the Rolex from the front to the back, until the last guy gets it and throws it back to the person in front. "Wow," says the bartender, "Time does fly when you're having fun!" (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)
A 30's something woman walks into a bar and orders four dirty martinis. "Why four?" the bartender asks. She smiles at him and says, "It's Girls Night Out and I am going to tell my husband that I bought the first round!" (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A guy walks into a bar right at quitting time and orders one drink after another. The bartender gets concerned and asks the guy, "Problems at work, pal?" The guy says "Yeah; I'm a personal trainer at Planet Fitness and they let me go today because they said 'I just wasn't working out.'". (thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."