Cute Jokes 18

Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it.

For God's sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? (thanks to Dick)

I met a woman named "Viamonte". I said, "You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." (thanks to Charley)

A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat.

Two houseflies on top of some cow manure. One fly farted, and the other fly said, "Can't you see we're eating here? Have some manners!"(thanks to Franco Yu)

It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."A man was arrested for dressing up like a woman. He was charged with male fraud. (thanks to Dan North)

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. (thanks to Eric Snyder)

People from New York are called New Yorkers. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? (thanks to Larry the K)

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. (thanks to Bob Morse)

About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done. (thanks to Tim Moore)

When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport. (thanks to Larry the K)

A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood - so substituted borscht. Now his heart never skips a beet. (thanks to Larry the K)

What did Ernie say when his best friend asked him if he wanted some ice cream? "Sure, Bert!" (thanks to Vin Thomas)

I like bananas, but they lose their appeal quickly. (thanks to Dan North)

E=Fb

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. (thanks to Wally Reed)

I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down! (thanks to Darby)

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word."

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him!"

There are only two things that are certain in this life - Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy - then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. (thanks to Omz)

There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her "Lincoln" because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

A cheetah and a lion are racing. The cheetah wins. But the lion says to the cheetah, "You're a cheetah!". The cheetah says, "Nah, you lion!" (thanks to Jamie Lay)

Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

If a man doesn't have any fingers, can he be counted on? (thanks to Dan North)

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I'll sew them back on!" The man said, "I couldn't pick them up!"

I'm a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst - that way things can only get better. (thanks to Rickster)

I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? (thanks to Chris)

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (thanks to Chris)

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. (thanks to Donna Reade)

I watch the Westminister Dog Show for the commercials. (thanks to Slam)

I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, "How does he know which stop is his?" (thanks to Charley)

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.