Cute Jokes 19

The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. (thanks to Patrick)

A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...." (thanks to Ben)

I may look stupid, but it's hereditary. (thanks to Gregory Sawler)

My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free. (thanks to Charley)

"Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No, she was impaired!" (thanks to Kevin Beaudoin)

Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny. (thanks to Charley)

I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!

Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them? (thanks to Shane)

A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, "Should I call the police or an ambulance?" (thanks to James)

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. (thanks to Gary)

A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, "I wish you had seen me sooner!"

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It's okay as long as they don't get in the habit. (thanks to Shar)

What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! (thanks to Jake M.)

What's big, gray and can't climb trees? A parking lot. (thanks to Mike O'Rourke)

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!" (thanks to Gregory Sawler)

My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.

To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte? (thanks to Charley)

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too astonished. (thanks to Katie Birch)

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.

Never moon a werewolf. (thanks to LarryNewParts)

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little horse. (thanks to Joey)

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. (thanks to Trent)

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore." (thanks to Gerry)

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? (thanks to Sullikr)

What goes around a button? A billy goat. (thanks to Dermy)

Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? (thanks to Jesterr)

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate! (thanks to Sam Hight)

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls. (thanks to Bennett)

To err is human, to moo bovine. (thanks to Evets)

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!" (thanks to Evets)

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

When life gives you lemons...make grape juice, and watch while the world wonders how you did it. (thanks to Katie Birch)

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong. (thanks to Evets)