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Very punny!
I thought about starting a conversation about nuts, but then I thought, "Screw it". (thanks to Gregory Seel)
An appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrier.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"
The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass". (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.
I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized - he was killing me softly with his sarong. (thanks to Karl Scott)
The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young." (thanks to Joe Wyatt)
It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.
What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few." (thanks to Wayfarer)
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."
The horse got run over by a car. It's now in stable condition. (thanks to Larry the K)
When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.
Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
A backwards poet writes inverse. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The cannibals ate the missionary and got a taste of religion. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp fence. Police are looking into it. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.
The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
A rubber band gun was taken away in algebra class as it was a weapon of math disruption. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
The store promised a free abacus with a purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.
Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!
Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors' register, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother scolds him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"
© 2010 compiled from many sources by Howard Daughters
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