Puns 5

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

The store promised a free abacus with a purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors' register, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother scolds him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)