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Interesting Quotes #7

A nice collection.

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." - Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

I think I am, therefore I am. I think. - George Carlin

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien


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