Steven Wright Jokes 11

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Doin' a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, " Go ahead, touch it. It feels real."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I couldn't find the remote to the remote.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

The other day I... no wait, that wasn't me.

You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time.

There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.