Steven Wright Jokes 12

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said.

Then there's the story he tells about meeting the blond Chinese girl on a bus who tells him all her problems. She says she is on her way to therapy, because she is a nymphomaniac, but she only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys. She then says, "by the way, what is your name?" He says, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See? That's how it's done."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I have a map of the United States, actual size. It says "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."