Steven Wright Jokes 14

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and "Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I saw a want ad; "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

The sun got confused about daylight savings, it rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.