Steven Wright Jokes 13

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says "Here, you can go."

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

My neighbor has a circular driveway, he can't get out.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.